toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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