I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
and you fell through a lawn chair
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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