and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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