so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i just sent this text using only my big toe
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
