My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
