i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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