If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
