For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
