Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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