you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
