some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Randomize
