I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
