i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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