genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
