my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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