It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I just want to make out with him forever
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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