The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
