I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
