Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
