the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I love you.
Bad choice
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
