dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
