Yo dont text me then not text me
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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