btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
