theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
