I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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