remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize