Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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