thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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