Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
