umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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