Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize