i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
