It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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