Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
