So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
