This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
