Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
