he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
