508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
