omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
