Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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