So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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