Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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