I just saw a hot homeless man
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
