My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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