I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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