im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
