you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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