Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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