I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Can vaginas get frostbite?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
