I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
