If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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