i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
