A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
