ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
