I looked at my own cervix.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
