I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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