a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
