today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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