you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
