If i could tip my vagina, i would.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
